A Brief History of the Warr of the Five Kings
by Articioc
Summary: A B R I E F H I S T O R Y OF T H E VVARR of the FIVE KINGS in VVESTEROS. (From the death of Lord Jon Arryn, to the death of His Grace King Joffrey Baratheon, first of his name, the principal Author and Beginner of the Warr.) Wherein the Grounds, Beginning, and Progress of the Warr, is summarily expressed. By Grand Mæster PYCELLE.


A

Y

OF T H E

VVARR

Of the _FIVE KINGS_ in

VVESTEROS.

(From the death of Lord _Jon Arryn_, to the death of His Grace king Joffrey Baratheon, first of his name, the principal Author and Beginner of the Warr.)

Wherein the Grounds, Beginning, and Progress of the Warr,

is summarily expressed.

By _Grand Mæster PYCELLE_.

THAT men, once they are touched by the Evil _Ambition_, begin to behave Blindly, yea no more like _Men_ but like wondrous _Beasts_, methinks already known by the honourable Reader, who readeth this Pages; but it was a bloodthirsty Folly, yea like a horrible Dæmon that descended upon _Westerosians_ mind and set them afire for War, putting brother against brother, father against son, and evrybody against the Common-wealth. By the greatness of the thing, me, Grand Mæster _Pycelle_, I feel myself compelled to describe how that Warr began, on which grounds, for which reasons, and who won and who lost, who stood and who fell. Being eke* this a great Matter to write about, in order to not render Tedious my narration, or let the Reader confounded, I eke shall Relate only the foremost important Events that came to pass.

Was king _Robert_, House _Baratheon_, first of his name, rightfull Sovereign of _Westeros_, and gay of His Peace were the Times and the Men; but the horrible Spirit of the Warr was lurking, yea like ready to rise from the ashes, as it shall be demonstrated by the following Events; but the fire was only smouldering, yea and not burning, when befell the mournfull Death, in _Kings** Landing_, of Lord _Jon Arryn_ of the _Vale_, then Hand of the King. Our gracious Monarch, recalling the amity they shared in their greenest Dayes, journeyed north and askt to Lord _Eddard Starck_ of _Winterfell_, Paramount Sire of the _North_, to assume the high Position, vacated by Lord _Arryn_ of the _Vale_. Lord _Starck_ quickly accepted the Charge and travel'd to the Capital with King _Robert_, and he was accompanyed by his two Daughters, Lady _Arya_ the youngest one and Lady _Sansa_ the eldest one, who was promised to the bonny Prince _Joffrey_, true Heir to the Iron Thron. It is said that during this Travel, began the quarrels, and the envyes, and the misunderstanding, betwixt the _Starcks_ and the _Lannesters_: because _Aryas_ direwolf, yea a leechy Beast, without a reason bit Prince _Joffreys_ hand, so a sacrilegious Animal spilt Royal blood.

Once Lord _Starck_ arriv'd to _Kings Landing_, he began his Caddish webbes, and conspiracions, against the noble House _Lannester_; and eke his treacherous Wife, Lady _Catelyn_ of the House _Tully_, deeply afflicted by the Incident that hapned to her son _Brann_ (who fell from a Tower in _Winterfell_), went wood*** and accus'd Lord _Tyrion Lannester_, brother to the Queen,basing her Accusation on shaky, yea inconsistent Grounds: it is right, that in _Westeros_ were no abject Being with a worse Reputation then that Monster of a Man, evry-time entertaining Drabs**** and Scoundrels; but she had no Evidence at all. Was however a _Starck_ use, to jump to conclusions without any Ground, as it will be shown later in this Narration.

Once Lady _Catelyn_ raped Lord _Tyrion_ at the _Crossroads Inn_, she brought him to her Sister, Lady _Lysa_, who was in the Eyrie: and if there were a wooder woman in the Continent, it was her.

When Lord _Jaime Lannester_ heard that notice, he provocked a skirmish with the _Northern Men_ Lord _Starck_ brought with himself, and he gallantly killed all that ruffians alone, and he would have killed eke the very Hand of the King, but he had respect for his sisters Husband, i.e. King _Robert_, and let the coward Lord _Starck_ (who begged mercy in tears) alive.

When the most Noble and Gracious Lord _Tywin Lannester_ heard about his sons Rape, he quickly Assembled his Troopes and, in just and rightfull Retaliaton for such an Offence against his Family, marched against Lady _Catelyn_s Mother-land, yea _Riverrun_; Land, that shall suffer sundry of this tragedyes, not only because of the _Starcks_, but also because of a band of blood-thirsty Brigands; and a Voice rise, yea a False word, that they were lead by the honourable Ser _Gregor Clegane_: and it is verily admirable how the Terrour confounded the People, in such a Measure that they believed such a Flower of the Chivalry, such a valourous noble-man, yea Ser _Gregor_, was guilty of such Atrocityes and Spitefull Crimes!

It seemeth to me that the honourable reader shall be Informed about this dwarf whose Rapture almost started the Warr. Was this Lord _Tyrion_ a shame for the bright-celebrated and illustrious House _Lannister_; he was a very vicious man, nay, less then a man; since his appearance was a mockery of a man; his mind was perverted, felon and villainous, his habits were dishonest, dissipated and scandalous; thanks to his foul tricks, he escaped the _Eyrie_; and although he was Innocent of the Accusation moved by the foolish Lady _Catelyn_, yea the World would have best suited by his injust Extinction, then from his Survival, since sundry Evils shall be generated from the Latter (yea and numerous Men died), in front of only a forgettable half-Death, as it shall be demonstrated by the Chapters that shall follow.

_*=also_

_**=this work' style is inspired by Increase Mather's "A Brief Histroy of the VVarr with the Indians in New-England" (1676); since that author did not use the apostrophe in the possessive case, I also omit it. Also, I reproduce (the best I can) all his variations in spelling._

_***=crazy_

_****=whores_


End file.
